The Holy House and the Demons' Dwelling
by defying3reason
Summary: Lucifer, Mara and Iblis are roommates, and if that wasn't a volatile enough combination, Jesus the Christ, the prophet Muhammad and the Buddha are their next door neighbors. Hijinks ensue. Update: the teachers and the devils struggle with Christmas
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Notes:_

_This is actually the draft of a research project I'm handing in for the capstone project for my religious studies minor. I'm hoping that sharing it with people will give me some inspiration and a push to finish it (it's a little rough right now, and I haven't started writing up the footnotes that will provide the research part of the project). So, any feedback you might feel like giving me will be greatly appreciated._

_The premise is as follows: the devil figures from Christianity, Islam and Buddhism are roommates and their next door neighbors are the charismatic teacher figures from their traditions. Hijinks ensue. As Satan is more of a job description than a name, I've gone with Lucifer for the Christian Devil. Mara is from Buddhism, and Iblis is from Islam (al-Shaytun is the same as ha-Satan; job description as opposed proper name). I'm using Joshua for Jesus' name (Jesus comes from the Greek Yeshua, as does Joshua and I find him easier to write with if I'm not addressing him as Jesus). Right now, Buddha is pre-enlightenment so he'll be referred to as Siddhartha, Shakyamuni (sage of the Shakkas) and the Bodhisattva (in Theravadin Buddhism, the term for Buddha pre-enlightenment). And Muhammad is Muhammad or the Prophet._

_Please don't be offended at this trifle of a story and enjoy :)_

* * *

><p>Iblis was sitting on the living room floor playing X-Box, crushed cans of Amp and empty bags of cheese curls scattered around him. The remaining bag of cheese curls sat in his lap, and he had a can of bacon bits in easy reach to sprinkle over the top of the bag before each scooping handful.<p>

Lucifer ran through the room trying to simultaneously button his shirt and tuck it into his slacks. Iblis barely noticed him.

Lucifer was taller than Iblis, lean and muscular with fair skin and thick dark hair. He'd been stocky and ruddy like Iblis at one point, but man's obsession with him had prettied him up over the course of the millennium, and sometime between Milton and metal kids he'd become an object of tragic male beauty.

Of course, the metal kids wouldn't recognize Lucifer if they happened to pass him on the street (unless Lucifer wanted them to); his elegant long limbed form was hidden in the generic three piece suit of a bureaucrat, and his long raven hair was tamed in a rather boring, slicked back ponytail.

The anarchy had been fun and all, but even a fallen one needed to make a living. Lucifer had gone crawling back to Yahweh to get his job back, and was once again a heavenly prosecutor, which he did in addition to his duties overseeing the eternally damned.

Iblis supposedly worked for Allah in a similar capacity (leading potential sinners astray as opposed to torturing the condemned), but it was beyond his roommates to figure out when he put in his hours. It seemed like he never moved from his nest of snacks and video games in the living room. Lucifer wasn't sure he'd ever seen Iblis leave the house sine they'd moved in. He managed to acquire new snacks though…perhaps he tempted humanity away from Allah on the way back from the 7-11?

That was another thing, considering what he ate and how little he moved, Iblis' physique was much too perfect. He still looked like the radiant warrior being Allah had fashioned from fire, something between a jinn and an angel. Only now that perfectly toned muscular form was hidden by the low riding baggy sweatpants of a gang banger and a t-shirt with powdered cheese stains in the shapes of finger prints.

As he passed through the room, Lucifer's bare foot came into contact with one of Iblis's abandoned snack foods. It was in a state of ripe festering: a three day old Taco Bell burrito (or half of it, anyway, also sprinkled with bacon bits). It was slimy with age, and quite slippery. Lucifer's foot squelched in the mess, and then slid across the floor. He landed in a heap, both in the sense of his limbs being an actual heap and that there was a heap of dirty laundry and garbage for him to land in.

"Eugh! Eugh! _ARGH!_" Lucifer yelped and flailed; Iblis barely noticed. "Iblis!"

He did respond to being directly addressed, however minutely. "Mm?"

"Pick up your damn trash! This is the living room, not your personal dump! You're supposed to keep the common areas of the house clean!"

"Right, because your brimstone never wafts out here," Iblis snorted, rolling his eyes (which had yet to move from the television).

"This is different! This is grody! Oh damnation, is that a used tissue stuck on my elbow?" Upon closer inspection, it turned out to be a burrito wrapper that had been used as a tissue. "Look Iblis, I am already running late for work and I cannot show up at the kingdom of Heaven wearing your old burrito!"

"Well I guess you'd better shower."

"You're an asshole." Lucifer ripped off his now-stained shirt and stalked off for the stairwell in the front hall, which lead to the bedrooms. Mara was just getting in from his own job, and they almost walked into each other in the hall.

Mara was the last of the roommates to move into the house and was a bit of an outcast, something that suited him just fine. Frankly they were all outcasts. Lucifer and Iblis had fallen from grace with their creator-gods, something they bonded over, but Mara knew of no creator-god to fall from grace with(though he'd sure like to try if given the opportunity).

Mara was the most volatile of the roommates, something that even extended to his physical appearance. Most of the time he was lean and slender like Lucifer (though always short), with flawless golden skin and a honeyed voice that could mesmerize you into following his whims before you realized it. He was more effeminate than the warriors, and very vain, spending hours in his room fussing over the elaborate clothing and jewelry he wore. On some days though he looked downright devilish, and his slender form would expand with cords of muscle, his dainty fingernails would grow to claws, and his delicately pointed teeth would grow to the large fangs he wore that morning.

Even his skin color changed on a daily basis. At the moment he was blue, but he'd probably be red or white or green before an hour had passed.

If Mara's fangs were showing he probably wasn't having a very good morning either. Lucifer decided to poke the hornet's nest.

"Hey Mara. How goes tempting Shakyamuni away from the Bodhi Tree?"

"I don't want to talk about it," Mara muttered, barely audible around his enlarged teeth. He almost knocked Lucifer over in his haste to get upstairs. A moment later his bedroom door slammed shut with a sound like a gunshot.

Lucifer took his second shower, changed fully in his room, and then began the lengthy excavation of his shoes from the pile of yet more garbage in the front hall where the shoe rack was supposed to be.

He left the house but stopped to take a good look around once he was in the yard. The sky was dark and overcast over most of the street, which was fitting given his and his roommates' moods. However, there was a break in the clouds allowing sunlight to beam down onto their neighbor's neat little house.

Lucifer scowled as he looked at their house, with its well-tended garden and general atmosphere of tranquility. The rest of the street was a picture of suburban gloom; dirty half melted snow banks that were mostly brown ice, litter, overgrown grass (or half-dead brown sludge, where there were more snow banks), and dilapidated front porches and shitbox cars.

But not at the holy house, oh no. As if their pretentious neatness wasn't enough, they had a perpetual rainbow above their roof proclaiming their superiority to all lesser beings.

Lucifer hated them so very, very much. But he was not jealous, not in the least. Wrath had always been his favorite sin, something he and Yahweh had bonded over in the old days. Ah the good old days, before he'd gone and had the stupid kid.

Still though, he'd bet his last goatskin garter that Joshua never had to peel three day old half eaten burritos off of his work clothes in the morning.

Siddhartha was sitting under the Bodhi Tree, which stood in between their yards. His large amber eyes were shut, a serene smile barely formed on his perfectly shaped lips. His begging bowl sat in front of him, already half-filled with rice, probably from the man's roommates. As Lucifer watched, bile rising in his throat, a young deer skipped up to Siddhartha, knelt before him, and shut its eyes.

"A deer? We're two streets away from a highway and jammed between two strip malls! Where did that thing come from?"

"Good morning Lucifer," Siddhartha said, eyes still gently closed.

"Heya," Lucifer said lamely, throwing a little wave the Bodhisattva couldn't see his way. He slipped out of his suit jacket, placed it over his arm, unfurled his massive wings, and flew to Heaven.

A few minutes later Joshua walked across the front yard and stood across from Siddhartha. He lazily patted the deer, which came out of its meditative trance to appreciatively nuzzle at the young messiah's hand.

"Good morning Siddhartha. Blessed art thou."

"Good morning Joshua. You just missed Lucifer."

"Yes, I know. I had hoped we might commute to work together, but he seemed a bit cranky. I thought it best to give him some space."

"Wise of you. How are the duties of the household progressing?"

As Siddhartha had been sitting under the Bodhi Tree for over a week, he was a bit out of touch with the goings on of his roommates. His morning chats with Joshua allowed him to catch up. Beyond that, the chats were just pleasant. Siddhartha and Joshua hadn't met until they moved in together (Siddhartha had responded to a roommates wanted ad, more than meeting their requirement for similar interests), but they'd become fast friends. Though they'd only been living together for a few months, Joshua felt as close to Siddhartha as he did to Muhammad, whom he'd known for considerably longer.

"The household continues to run quite smoothly," Joshua informed him. "I'm afraid our poor neighbors cannot say the same."

"Yes, they do seem to be bearing the ills of their actions quite strongly at the moment. Mara was insufferable, as usual."

"What did he try today?" Joshua asked.

"Lust."

Joshua stifled a giggle, and observed his normally stoic companion's lips quirk into a true smile. "Did he really think that would work?"

"I believe he's getting desperate. His nieces were quite lovely, but they left me unmoved."

"As expected." Joshua placed a loaf of bread in Siddhartha's bowl. "Peace be with you Siddhartha."

"Goodbye Joshua. May you experience wellness and equanimity."


	2. A Property Dispute

Usually when Lucifer got to Heaven there was a big crowd waiting for St. Peter to unlock the doors and let everyone into work (sometimes Lucifer wondered about Joshua's decision to give Peter the keys; he seemed to fumble with them quite a bit. St. John had much steadier hands). Since he'd run so late the crowds had thinned considerably, and there was barely a trickle of employees heading in.

A few minor prophets flashed their ID cards at Peter and he nodded them in, then Lucifer approached. Peter grimaced, then tried to hide it with an overcompensating smile. "Good morning Lucifer. Oh, wait, sorry…good _afternoon_ Lucifer."

"Yeah, heya," Lucifer muttered, waving his ID card pointedly. He started to push past him, but Peter called out to one of the prophets who'd just walked in.

"Hey Job, did you know Lucifer's working up here again? Same old job and everything."

"Quiet," Lucifer hissed, but it was too late. Job spun on his heel and strode back to the gates.

"Lucifer? You're Lucifer? As in ha-Satan?" Job asked. Even in the radiant light of heaven the scars from his pockmarks were still visible. His face was contorted into an expression somewhere between outright menace and hysterical enthusiasm. Lucifer took a compulsive step back He warily nodded, and Job punched him in the face.

Lucifer spat a mouthful of blood onto the gleaming white floor of the heavens and cradled his jaw. "Ow!" For such a withered looking little man, he sure could hit.

"That's for my first seven sons and three daughters you son of a-"

Two of the other prophets ran forward and grabbed Job's arms to restrain him. "Wait! I haven't paid him back for my oxen and donkeys! Or my servants and camels and house! Let me go!"

"Come on Job, you don't want to start a scene."

"Oh shut up Jonah! You never want to do anything!" Job wrenched his arm free from Jonah and flailed towards Lucifer, trying to scratch at whatever part of the enemy he could reach. Jonah restrained him again, and the other prophet, an old man with a long white beard that Lucifer didn't recognize (but really, more than half the prophets were old men with long white beards), tugged Job towards the cubicles.

"Come on Job, he's not worth it."

"_He's_ not worth it? I thought _I_ wasn't worth it? Wasn't that the whole point? Huh? Huh ha-Satan? YOU WANNA TELL ME WHAT THE POINT OF MY MISERY WAS AGAIN BECAUSE I THINK I MISSED IT!"

Lucifer flapped his wings imperiously, attempting to intimidate Job but only succeeding in startling the prophets, who released him as they cowered backwards.

"Yaaargh!" Job launched himself at Lucifer, but this time he was ready. Lucifer launched himself into the air, soared past the lot of them, and flew in the direction of his cubicle. Job's continued cursing rang through the air.

* * *

><p>Mara's bedroom window happened to overlook the backyards of their house and their neighbors'. He was considering asking the others if he could switch rooms. The temptation to sit in front of the window gazing at Siddartha serenely seated under that friggin' Bodhi Tree was impossible to resist, even if he was the sort to attempt resisting temptation.<p>

That twerp was really going to do it. If he achieved enlightenment then he'd inevitably start teaching, and if he started teaching he'd lead others to enlightenment, and then Mara's work would be more difficult.

He didn't like working.

He liked sitting around indulging in sensual pleasures, just like Iblis (how Iblis managed to sit around indulging in sensual pleasures all day without having to leave for work was a source of fascination and consternation to the other tempter). Keeping humanity in a state of bondage with craving and ignorance was currently easy, which left Mara plenty of free time for e-bay and makeovers. If he had to _work_ at keeping people locked in samsara he was going to become one grumpy devil.

"I need to get rid of that tree," Mara grumbled.

As was his wont, Iblis appeared in the doorway and insinuated himself in Mara's private brooding. "If you really want to get rid of the Bodhi Tree, why don't you just rip it up? It's on our side of the property line, isn't it?"

"Is it?" Mara asked.

"Pretty sure it is, yeah."

"There's no fence. How do you know where our property ends and theirs begins?"

"Oh, we got the plans of the houses and the yards right before you moved in," Iblis explained. "We were thinking about putting a pool in the backyard, but the holy guys struck us down on a zoning technicality or something inane like that. But yeah, pretty sure when it was all mapped out that the tree was on our side."

"Hm…" Mara glanced down at his meticulously cared for black finger nails. "Well, it'll be worth a few chipped nails to frustrate Siddhartha in his goals. Time for some amateur gardening! I'm gonna rip me up a tree!"

He went out to the garage to see if they had a shovel.

* * *

><p>Iblis played through another puzzle on Portal, then paused the game and crept over to the kitchen window. He figured enough time had passed for Mara to act on his suggestion. Sure enough, as he watched Mara walked from the garage (conveniently stockpiled with shovels, axes and herbicides) over to the Bodhi Tree. He stopped there, looking a bit hesitant about what to do next.<p>

Siddhartha was still sitting under the tree, peacefully meditating, as he had been for the past three weeks. Though Mara clearly wanted to rip up the tree, he didn't seem to want to do it while the Bodhisattva was sitting right there.

Iblis leaned over the sink, pressing his nose flat to the glass of the window, not wanting to miss a detail of the inevitable confrontation.

Mara stage coughed. Siddhartha didn't react.

"Huh. Well this isn't quite as exciting as I'd expected," Iblis muttered. He watched Mara stage cough a second time, which earned him exactly the same reaction; a whole lot of nothing. "Dude. The guy meditated through you chucking hail stones at him. He's not gonna be bothered by a fake cough. Start digging up the damn tree!"

Mara seemed to come round to the same conclusion as Iblis. He tightened his grip on the shovel he'd carried from the garage, and stabbed at the earth just next to Siddhartha. That finally got his attention.

Iblis couldn't hear them, but from the looks of it they were having quite the heated discussion. He watched with glee as Mara grew increasingly irritated, gesticulating wildly as his silky dark hair turned brittle and grey, his teeth lengthening and finally his skin turning a threatening shade of blue. Siddhartha, though no doubt speaking with conviction, looked as even tempered as ever.

Finally Mara screeched so loudly that Iblis heard him through the window.

"And just what makes you think you have the right to enlightenment anyway? Huh? What have you done to earn awakening? You're just another meatbag, subject to craving and delusion just like everyone else!"

Siddhartha turned those mesmerizing honey eyes on Mara, and he instantly shut up. There was something unsettling in that pointed look. Even Iblis felt it standing in the kitchen. As he watched, Siddhartha slowly moved his right hand off his lap and touched it to the ground.

The effect was incredible. The earth shook, the sky opened and the whole street was penetrated with a radiant light (as opposed to just the yard of the holy house). Birds took to the air, all singing praise for Siddhartha, who'd spent lifetimes earning the merit for his enlightenment.

Iblis ducked under the sink with his hands over his head. "What in the blazes?" He yelped. "It's the resurrection! It's the Judgment! Merciful Allah, just give me a little more time!"

When his heart stopped hammering quite so loudly and he got control of himself (and his bladder), Iblis stood on shaking legs and looked out the window again.

Mara looked just about as shell shocked as Iblis felt. He'd turned white (hair and skin this time), and his fangs and claws had turned back to their usual form. He was staring open mouthed at Siddhartha, who was sitting in his usual meditation posture. Iblis couldn't make out what he said to Mara, but whatever it was got Mara to pick his jaw up off the ground and walk back to the house without his shovel.

Mara came in through the garage and walked through the kitchen in a daze.

"What'd he say?" Iblis couldn't help but ask.

"Th-the earth testified for him. He said 'that gives me the right biz-natch.'" Mara continued towards his room, and Iblis let him go to recover in private. He glanced back out the window at the Bodhisattva, who was now surrounded with deer.

"Huh. Didn't think we had deer in these parts. Alright, Mara can keep Siddhartha. I'm having more fun with Muhammad anyway." He went to the cabinet, grabbed a can of spray-cheese and some more bacon bits, then went back into the living room for more video games.

* * *

><p>Lucifer leaned back as far as his desk chair would allow him to recline and groaned. He gingerly rubbed an icepack against his jaw where Job had struck him and stretched his long legs as far as they would go in his tiny cubicle.<p>

Vaguely, he wondered if the prophets and the martyrs had such cramped workspace in the heavens. Somehow, he doubted it. Even though as a celestial warrior he had a tall and imposing frame while many of the old Hebrew guys were kinda runty. Jacob and all of his bratty kids could probably fit in Lucifer's cubicle and still have elbow room.

Well, that was an exaggeration, but the cubicle was still annoyingly small.

"Excuse me, Lucifer? Are you busy?" Joshua asked, after quietly rapping on the cubicle wall.

Lucifer sat up straighter and plopped the icepack back on his desk. "M'working, m'working."

"I'm not checking up on you."

"Oh. Well what's up?"

Joshua looked around the cubicle for somewhere to sit. As there was only the one chair and Lucifer certainly wasn't giving it up, he settled for leaning against the cubicle wall opposite Lucifer's desk. "I just received a message from Muhammad. It seems Mara was trying to rip up a tree in the yard, and now our roommates are in a dispute over the property line."

"Again? I bet this is Iblis' fault. He's still mad you guys shot down our pool."

"Your poker nights are bad enough. We didn't want to have to put up with rowdy pool parties to boot."

Lucifer shrugged, hoping Joshua would get the message. He didn't think this was his problem.

Joshua did seem to take note of his apathy. "Do you still have the house plans?"

"Ida know. Iblis was keeping track of that mess. Look, I am actually pretty busy, okay? Testing the faithfulness of humanity to your dad isn't exactly easy. Japan just gave me a mountain of paperwork. A whole bunch of those people professed themselves as atheists, and I took their words at face value, but then I find out that they're going to temples and shrines and churches and getting baptized. By the time I figure out how that culture identifies religion and whether they're faithful to Yahweh, the culture's probably going to shift again and I'll be back at square one."

"Well why don't you put them on the back burner for a bit and go with a more straightforward part of the world. Why not test the residents of the holy land?" Joshua suggested.

Lucifer regarded him with an 'are you kidding' look. "You think I wanna get involved in the Israel/Palestine disaster?"

Joshua shrugged. "I would think they're being more straightforward than the ambiguity you described in Japan."

"Straightforward, yes. Sane and rational, nope."

Joshua shook his head. "Why do I get the feeling that no matter where you're working and what you're doing you'd end up complaining about it?"

"Hey, that's not fair. I used to love my job."

"Really? When?"

"Back before you were born," Lucifer snapped.

"Oh Lucifer, haven't you read the book of John? I've always been here."

"Yes, well before the Word became flesh your dad was a lot more fun. I used to hang with Michael and Gabriel and the guys, and we'd go out and level cities and bring plagues and just mess with people. It was great." Lucifer smiled wistfully, reminiscing.

"I'm sure it was," Joshua said indulgently.

Lucifer scowled at him. "Then you came along and geeked up the place. Now everyone's all about redemption and compassion, and the exclusivity's gone too. Back in the old days, if someone wanted in to Yahweh's chosen, they really had to earn it. Like Ruth. Now, as long as people believe in you guys anybody's welcome in. It stinks."

"I don't know, I think we've gained a lot by reaching out to the gentiles."

"You would."

"Well I'm sorry you're having an off day. I hope you feel better Lucifer."

"Yeah yeah." He reached for his icepack again and sourly slapped it over his jaw.

Joshua winced. "Would you like me to heal that for you?"

"If you really wanna help you could go punch Job in the face for me. He'd never see it coming from you."

"I'm not going to punch Job in the face. I'll see you later," Joshua said, badly trying to conceal a giggle.

"Bye Josh."


	3. Siddhartha Awakens

"The tree's not on our property," Lucifer informed his roommates as soon as he walked in the house. He hadn't even removed his shoes and jacket.

Iblis and Mara were sitting on the living room floor. They'd shoved all the garbage and other Iblis-related-detritus to the corners of the room and spread out blue prints and plans of the two houses.

"I can't find anything on here to either confirm or deny that statement," Iblis said.

"I know you can't find anything that says the tree's not on our property, but you know it's true," Lucifer said.

"And when has that ever stopped me before?" Iblis asked.

Mara ran his pointer finger down one of the plans, worrying at his lip with his teeth. "I'd feel better if we had something that said the tree was on our side. Siddhartha would have to let me rip up the Bodhi Tree then. He's too much of a goody-goody not to."

"Well, careful how far you push Muhammad. You know how he gets about property lines," Lucifer warned them.

Mara blinked. "No, actually I don't. I've never actually seen the guy. I don't even know what he looks like."

"Well he's a little camera shy. Anyway, he doesn't have that 'turn the other cheek' philosophy that Joshua has," Lucifer explained. "He's tough."

"He's also better at fighting than me," Iblis muttered. "Um…you don't think Siddhartha's going to get him involved, do you?"

"Joshua came to my office today and-"

"Office? I thought you worked out of a cubicle," Mara interrupted.

Lucifer glared at them. "That's not the point! The point is, Siddhartha told his roommates what's going on and they want to help him."

"Crud," Mara said.

"Well, I'm out." Iblis stood up and headed towards the kitchen. "No way am I picking a fight with Muhammad. I saw the Battle of the Ditch, I'm good."

"Double crud! C'mon Iblis, you said you were gonna help me!" Mara yelled.

Mara waited for an answer, but none was forthcoming. After a minute or two, they heard the sound of the microwave turning on and Mara considered himself dismissed. "Great. Just freaking peachy."

"Don't worry Mara. I'm sure you'll come up with some other way to get Siddhartha out from under that tree," Lucifer said, giving him a bracing pat on the shoulder.

Mara shrugged away from Lucifer's touch and stormed off for his room.

"Ah well." Lucifer went upstairs to his own room to change out of his work clothes.

When he returned to the living room he found Iblis stretched out on the couch eating a bowl of melted nacho cheese like soup and watching cartoons. Lucifer took a seat on the one armchair in the room and dug through the filth on the coffee table until he found the book he wanted.

"Hey, Lucifer?"

"Mm?"

"I was just thinking…" Iblis said. "It was probably kinda mean to get Mara's hopes up."

"And that's bothering you?" Lucifer asked, startled.

"Not really. But cheering him up would be a pretty good excuse to throw a party. Wanna have some jinn and demons over for poker?"

Lucifer didn't bother looking up from his book, but he was smiling. "I'm heading into Hell tomorrow morning. I'll spread the word. I've already got plans with Baal and Astarte Saturday. Sunday work for you?"

"Works fine. I'll handle snacks."

"No, I'll handle snacks. You guys can supply the booze this time." The last time they'd thrown a party, Lucifer had foolishly agreed to the reverse conditions. They were _not_ equal burdens. The demons and jinn drank a lot more than they ate, even considering Iblis' impressive level of gluttony.

"Alrighty," Iblis consented. "If you're sure that's how you want it."

* * *

><p>Joshua was humming a hymn under his breath while he carried out the recycling Monday morning. He got to the stoop and set it down just as Lucifer was leaving his house. Mornings weren't usually good for Lucifer on a typical day, but this morning looked worse than usual. He was paler than ever, with dark smudges under eyes that were squinted from pain. His hair was in disarray (though he'd made an attempt to slick it back into its usual ponytail, the end result being a horrid mess with shiny sleek pockets), and his suit was crumpled as though he'd slept in it, with what looked like vomit on the collar.<p>

"Good morning Lucifer," Joshua greeted, trying not to sound too pleasant since he knew that annoyed his neighbors.

"Urgh," Lucifer answered.

"Er…is everything alright?" Joshua asked, hesitantly approaching his neighbor's yard.

Lucifer leaned against the porch railing, wearing a grimace. "Sorry, rough night last night. We had some demons and some jinn over for a poker game again. I'm gonna hafta remember not to drink from anything a jinn hands me. The earth is still spinning." He squinted his eyes closed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Would you like me to do a healing?" Joshua offered, a kneejerk response to Lucifer's obvious signs of pain.

"Kid, I don't think it'd work right on me. Ever since the Fall blessings burn and healings send me back to Hell, remember?"

"Yeah, but you're working in Heaven sometimes too now," Joshua observed. "Maybe Dad will let me heal you just this once?"

"I'd rather not take the chance. It's just a hangover, albeit a tremendous one. I'll be fine. Thanks though."

"So was it a good-no, that's not the right word for it. Er…did you have fun sinning together?" Joshua asked. Laughing, Lucifer nodded.

"It was a hoot. Love getting all those guys together. We should do it more often. Well, I'd better get going. The big guy's gonna be mad enough when I show up reeking of sin. Take care Josh."

"Goodbye Lucifer." Joshua took a step back and watched as Lucifer unfurled his wings for the commute to the Heavens. Once Lucifer was out of sight, he walked around back to the Bodhi Tree to greet Siddhartha.

"Good morning Siddhartha. Blessed art thou."

"Good morning Joshua," Siddhartha answered, slowly opening his large eyes. "How is the household getting along?"

"Just as smoothly as ever. In fact, things are getting a bit…tedious. Repetitive, you know?"

Siddhartha regarded him with serene detachment, and Joshua figured this was one of those things that the human son of God and the Bodhisattva didn't have in common. He _was_ talking to a man who'd been sitting under a tree continuously for over a month. Clearly, monotony didn't bother him the same way.

"Anywho, I was just chatting with Lucifer. I guess our neighbors threw a party last night."

"I'm surprised you didn't hear them. They were impressively loud," Siddhartha commented.

"Were they?"

"Mm, and at some points quite restless. They came outside and draped toilet paper over my form at one point to see if I'd move. The jinn and the demons were almost as irksome as Mara's hailstones."

"That's too bad."

Siddhartha didn't seem particularly perturbed. "I worked through it. They got bored and left."

"Well, it looks like our neighbors had fun at least. That's nice." Joshua sat down in front of Siddhartha and started fiddling with a blade of grass. He got distracted, and accidentally multiplied it. "Oops. Hey Siddhartha, I was just thinking…our neighbors are a bit more social than us. I mean, we haven't had anyone over since we moved in, and they're always inviting Baal and Kali and L. Ron Hubbard by. Maybe we should have a gathering."

"Such as? I don't think Muhammad would approve of a poker night."

"I wouldn't want to host a poker night either," Joshua said. "But we could do something else. Maybe a nice potluck?"

Siddhartha smiled. "You and your meal fellowship. A potluck sounds fine. Who would we invite?"

Joshua thought about it for a moment. "I'll invite my dad, but I don't think he'll have time to come. I suppose Mom might though. Oh! I could invite Abraham! He's always great at parties, and he already knows Muhammad!"

"I've been wanting to introduce you to Ananda and Avalokitsevara for some time now. Hm." Siddhartha closed his eyes again. "I'll try to hurry along this enlightenment process so I can leave the Bodhi Tree before the party."

"Oh, well I don't want to rush you. We could always have the potluck to celebrate your achievement when it happens."

"That might encourage desire. If I can attend the party, I shall. If not I will remain where I am, but instruct my friends to attend with refreshments."

"Oh…goody," Joshua said with a forced smile. To Siddhartha, a bowl of rice with some kind of seasoning was a luxurious feast. Joshua still didn't see eye to eye with Siddhartha about dietary restrictions. They'd opted for the same policy Joshua had with Moses on the subject: agree to disagree. "I can make wine! And loaves, and fish…this is going to be great! Oh, if Moses comes he can bring manna. Have you ever had manna? It's fantastic! His pheasant's not too shabby either."

"I think I'll stick with the manna."

"Right, well I'll let you get back to your meditation. See you later Siddhartha."

"Goodbye Joshua. May you have wellness and equanimity."

* * *

><p>"You know, considering you eat all of <em>my<em> groceries without ever going out and purchasing your own, you could at least help me put them away," Lucifer huffed. He set two full-to-bursting plastic bags of food onto the kitchen table and fixed a pointed glare on Iblis, who was ignoring him in favor of staring out the kitchen window in the direction of the neighbors' yard. "_Hello_! Am I talking to myself here?"

"Hm? Oh, hey Lucifer, c'mere, check this out!" Iblis said, motioning towards the window.

Heaving a long suffering sigh, Lucifer strode across the room to join him. He glanced out the window and quirked an eyebrow. "And what am I supposed to be looking at."

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Exactly!" Iblis exclaimed. Lucifer took a step back and glared at him. "Look, empty yard. There's the Bodhi Tree, and there's no Bodhisattva."

"You don't think…"

"There was another earthquake this morning, and a friggin' explosion of lotuses in the air. Seriously, it was like a hyperactive five year old with a confetti gun out there. I think Siddhartha finally achieved enlightenment."

"Oh no." Lucifer rubbed at his eyes and started pacing. "How's Mara taking it?"

"Haven't seen him all day. I'm guessing not good."

Lucifer snorted. "Yeah, fair guess. Can you put away the groceries? I'm gonna go look for him."

"Sure."

Lucifer exited the room, mumbling under his breath about how much he didn't need this kind of stress, and Iblis crept over to the kitchen table to examine the groceries. Instead of actually putting them away, he extracted a box of hostess cupcakes from one of the bags and went into the living room.

Meanwhile, Lucifer checked Mara's room, but he wasn't there. "Well, I tried." He certainly wasn't compassionate enough to go looking for his distraught roommate. Beside, Mara was a drama queen. Eventually he'd come and seek Lucifer and Iblis out.

Lucifer went back downstairs to cook supper and cursed under his breath when he saw the groceries still sitting on the table.

* * *

><p>Mara staggered home either later that night or very early the next morning, depending upon your perspective. He was gloriously drunk, and wearing an odd assortment of clothing that included a sweatshirt for a cab company, leading his neighbors to believe that he'd hailed his cab in a state of undress.<p>

His neighbors came to this conclusion because they were the ones to find him. Mara got as far as the holy house's front yard before giving up on walking, and as the cabbie peeled out of the driveway as soon as he'd been paid (he didn't seem to be at all bothered that he'd been paid with a denarius from the Evil One's poker winnings), it was a good guess that Mara had been an annoying fare.

When Muhammad went out to get the morning paper he found Mara slurring angrily at a frightened looking squirrel. He considered the prone figure, crusty with vomit, and tried to decide if he wanted to be the one to deal with it.

"'An another thin'! Jes cuz you've got a bushy tail, that don' mean, that don' mean-hell I've got pants fuzzier n'that pretenshush tail! Take that! Miserable cur!"

The squirrel seemed to have had its fill of verbal abuse, because it chose that moment to scamper off.

"Wait! Wait, don' leaf me! M'so lonely…" And then mighty Mara, the Evil One, burst into tears and started crooning after the departed squirrel.

Deciding he definitely didn't want to be the one to deal with it, the Prophet grabbed the paper, went inside and locked the door. "There's an inebriated devil on our front yard," he called into the house.

Joshua stuck his head out of the kitchen. "Is everything alright?"

"I don't consider a drunk of any sort stumbling around our property alright, let alone a demonic one," Muhammad noted. "Perhaps we should call Mara's roommates?"

"I don't think they're up yet," Joshua said. "Lucifer and Iblis aren't usually awake before noon on Saturdays."

"True, but it's five thirty in the morning. I don't think Iblis has gone to bed yet."

"Oh."

Muhammad walked through the kitchen, went out the backdoor, and strode through their yards to the demons' backdoor. He rapped the screen door sharply and one of the hinges gave.

Iblis opened the door, rubbing at his eyes and looking generally unpleasant. "You're paying for that door."

"That's fair, although I don't think the door was properly maintained if one knock could-"

"Dude, it's five am. Y'wanna skip the preaching and get to the point?"

"Mara's incapacitated on our yard from a night of sinful behavior. Would you please collect him?" Muhammad asked in a flat tone that hinted at annoyance.

Iblis leaned around Muhammad, trying to crane his neck to see their yard. "Oh c'mon, I don't wanna drag him all the way over. You're a buff guy, can't you do it?"

"Good day Iblis." Muhammad turned on his heel and went back to his own house. Cursing under his breath, Iblis went over to the cabinet under the sink and grabbed a pair of pink rubber gloves. They proved a good choice; Mara threw up twice before Iblis managed to dump him in the bathroom. He tossed bottles of water and Advil into the bathroom after Mara, locked the door, and went to his room to go to sleep.


	4. Iblis has a High Score

_A/N: Thanks for the kind reviews everyone! The finished story is due on December 16th, so I should have the story posted in full by then (otherwise I'm not graduating). I've also gotta write footnotes explaining all the references to scripture and theology I'm dropping (believe it or not, there is educational content here) and write an introductory essay, so i'm considering reposting the whole story with all the academic stuff thrown in. Sound good? Or would the educational stuff clutter things up too much?_

* * *

><p>Mara emerged from the bathroom some hours later wearing a fluffy pink towel around his hips, another fluffy pink towel wrapped around his hair like a turban, and with Iblis' bunny slippers on his feet (Iblis insisted they were 'ironic', but the other demons didn't get it). He'd cleaned himself up, but his eyes were still wide and haunted.<p>

He trudged into the living room, where Iblis was watching a televangelist program while Lucifer read a book. Once they noticed him Lucifer set his book down and Iblis muted the TV. "So? How're you doing?" Iblis asked.

Mara frowned, then his lower lip trembled, and by the time he'd melodramatically flopped onto the couch next to Iblis he was in a full-on pout. "Do you guys realize how much harder I'm going to have to work now?"

"Um…" Lucifer wasn't sure how to answer that.

"Really hard!" Mara yelled. "Humanity was pretty much doing my job for me up until now! Seriously, it's like human nature to want things. Attachment, desire, craving, people are really good at that all on their own. I just had to pop in every now and then and be like, 'hey, look at that shiny!' And then they were like, 'Ooo…shiny! No spiritual pursuits today!' This is gonna blow."

Iblis rolled his eyes. "I really don't think this is as big a deal as you're making it."

"Oh? And why the hell not?" Mara snapped.

"Well nothing's happened yet, has it?"

Mara sniffed and turned away from Iblis. He impatiently tapped his fingers against his forearm, but after a haughty moment admitted defeat. "No, I suppose not. But that's only because Shakyamuni hasn't started teaching yet."

"And even when he does…he's not really the pushy type, yanno? He's more of a…let the people come to me kinda guy. It's not like how it is with me and Lucifer," Iblis pointed out. He motioned towards the TV. "Our guys evangelize. Siddhartha may be just as charismatic a teacher as Muhammad and Joshua, but as far as saviors go he's a really laid back opponent for you."

Lucifer quirked an eyebrow. Whereas he and Iblis certainly qualified as 'enemies' for humanity, he didn't actually think he was working against the Kingdom. "I actually do work for Yahweh, you know. I was under the impression that you were under Allah's orders as well. Was I wrong?"

"No, but my job is to tempt sinners and I'm totally winning," Iblis said gleefully.

"Winning?" Mara and Lucifer both reacted with some surprise to his statement.

"Yeah, each new sinner is a hundred points. You know how many more people have gone astray than stayed the path? I'm kicking serious butt here!"

Lucifer shook his head. "Unbelievable. You're seeing the eternal struggle between the sinners and the righteous in terms of a video game?"

"I always saw things this way. Video games have just given me the proper vocabulary to express my feelings," Iblis returned.

Mara sighed. "Well I've never had to try that hard in my position as a tempter. What do you guys do?"

"Depends," Lucifer said. "My most famous cases were Job and Joshua-"

"And you lost both times," Iblis pointed out. Lucifer scowled. "Two hundred points for Yahweh, zero for Lucifer."

"The point wasn't to win or lose! The point was to establish whether or not the guys were faithful to the Lord. It just so happened that they both were."

"Right. That's why you lost."

"Will you cut it out?" Lucifer snapped. "I didn't lose. I did exactly what I was supposed to do, which was to bring a case against humanity to my boss, who decided that Job was faithful even when bad things happened to him. Big complainer though. And yeah, I should've expected that I wasn't gonna get his kid to turn astray…I really thought I had him for a few minutes there when I was quoting Psalms."

"Look, Mara, being a good person is much more difficult than being immoral, and the rewards for righteous living are distant…intangible," Iblis pointed out, wiggling his fingers to emphasize the intangibility of upright living. "Just keep doing what you've always been doing. People are suckers for sensual pleasures, and fear really rattles them too. You'll be fine. Siddhartha's only going to save so many, you know? You'll still have the high score."

"I guess." Mara propped his chin in his hands and chewed on his lower lip. "Still woulda been easier if he hadn't Awakened though. Ah well. I'm gonna go get dressed and hit up a mall. Shopping always cheers me up. Anyone wanna come with?"

They both made less than enthusiastic noises. Shrugging it off, Mara went upstairs to his room and emerged about an hour later, wearing one of his ridiculously elaborate outfits complete with headdress and jewelry. He looked much more cheerful for his bling, and was rather upbeat until he walked out the front door.

He immediately went back inside and all but ran to the living room. "Guys! There are cars and chariots all up the street! The holy house, it's full of _people_!"

"Huh? Those geeks never have visitors," Iblis said. He muted the TV again and went into the kitchen to peer out the window into the neighbors' yard.

Sure enough, the yard was packed. The neighbors had set up three long picnic tables that were now straining under the weight of dishes of food.

"Is that pheasant?" Lucifer asked, leaning over Iblis' shoulder. "I bet Moses and Aaron are over there. I could go for some pheasant…"

"You sure you wanna mingle with those guys?" Iblis asked.

"Why wouldn't I-"

"I just saw Job."

Lucifer ducked away from the window and rubbed at his jaw. "Never mind."

"Who's that?" Mara asked, leaning over Iblis' other shoulder and pointing.

"That's Samuel. Doesn't he look cheerful?" Lucifer asked sarcastically.

"Not in the least," Iblis answered, having missed the intonation. "I remember him. He's the poor sap who had to anoint the kings of Israel, right?"

"Yep. I'll betcha anything he's trying to lose Saul in the crowd." Lucifer tapped the window, pointing out Saul, but he needn't have bothered. The man was at least a head taller than anyone else in the yard, and though stunningly attractive, there was a slightly vacant expression on his face while he chatted with the other guests. As they watched, Samuel hunched over and quickly darted to the other end of the yard.

"They don't get along?" Mara guessed.

"Nope. Saul's a bit of a handful as a charge. Samuel got real sick of him somewhere between Saul making a sacrifice despite not being a priest, and sparing the king of the Amalekites even though Yahweh wanted _all_ of the Amalekites done in. Samuel decided he was babysitting an idiot. Saul hasn't noticed," Lucifer explained. "The guy was positively overjoyed when he got to usher in the Davidic line of kings. Yahweh still wouldn't let him ditch Saul though. Talk about a divine punishment."

"Ah. Oh hey, Avalokitsevara's over there!" Mara said, pointing to a serene looking figure wearing a blue cloak.

"Avalo-what?" Lucifer repeated, shaking his head. "No, that's the virgin Mary."

"No, that's Avalokitsevara, the bodhisattva of compassion. I'd know him anywhere."

"Him?" Iblis asked. "Looks like a woman to me. I'm pretty sure that's Mary. I'm with Lucifer on this one."

"Yeah, we are talking about the same pale woman with the blue dress, right?" Lucifer asked.

Mara squinted out the window. "Still looks like Avalokitsevara to me. Are they eating roast pheasant?"

"It's one of Moses and Aaron's specialties," Lucifer said. "Also manna, but that's not one of my favorites."

"I've always wanted to try manna…" Mara muttered. "I'm heading over."

"Good luck," Lucifer said. "I'm gonna go take a nap. Try not to get yourself exorcised."

"It's not like it takes much," Iblis teased. "Don't people just have to, like, recognize you for who you are?"

"Oh shut up." Mara straightened his headdress and left. Iblis watched the potluck for a few more minutes, eyes trained on Mary/Avalokitsevara.

"Damn, I really can't tell if that's her or not. It _looks_ like Mary…" He decided to crash the party as well.

* * *

><p>Lucifer and Mara were crafty. It was something Iblis admired about them (not that he'd ever admit it aloud). While lounging around the living room, Iblis observed Lucifer consistently working his butt off, staying on top of scripture and church doctrine (and he kept track of <em>all <em>the denominations) so that he had the ammunition to do his job as thoroughly as possible. The devil could take a sacred principle, twist it and wrap it with clever plays of words, and by the end of it even a masterful theologian wouldn't be able to tell they were being had.

And Mara. Mara was more visceral than Lucifer. People knew they shouldn't give in to their base desires, they understood that on an intellectual level. But Mara's ability to confront someone with their strongest desire and mask it so that it looked even more tempting than they'd ever felt before, and to sap all the luster out of it once attained so that the poor fool was thrust back into the same old pattern, never attaining anything lasting, never taking time for the spiritual life, well, it was an art. And Mara was one hell of an artist.

Iblis may have admired his roommates for their abilities, but he didn't envy them. He had his own abilities, and for his part he was much more direct.

So when Iblis arrived at the potluck, he walked right up to the person clad in blue, interrupting their conversation with one of the Prophet's posse. "Are you a dude or a chick?"

"Excuse me?" The posse member turned to face Iblis, and Iblis groaned as he recognized the man.

Of course he'd walk right into Ali.

"Hey kiddo, haven't seen you in an age. Look, I'm having a conversation here." Iblis turned back to the person in blue. "Well?"

The person in blue looked a bit startled. S/he glanced at Ali in some confusion. "Ali, who is this person?"

"Iblis, a troublemaker. Just ignore him. He'll get bored and go away."

"Oh junior, clearly you don't know me _that_ well," Iblis said with a laugh. "Well Blue? Guy or chick? I've been arguing about this with my buddy-oh! I should've gotten him to put money down first. Wait a minute, I'll be right back! Don't tell anyone if you're a dude or not until I come back!"

Ali and the person in blue watched as Iblis ran off in search of Mara. The person in blue picked at a piece of manna on their plate. "Well, that was interesting. I take it this Iblis isn't actually a guest?"

"I doubt it. Muhammad was saying that apparently his roommate Joshua spends a lot more time reaching out to sinners than he or the Buddha deem necessary. Maybe Joshua invited him?"

"Well if he did, he'll be disappointed to hear about the gambling."

_Coming up, the Sermon on the Driveway, the Suburban Yard Sermon, Mara and Iblis make a bet, and Lucifer complains some more!_


	5. The Prophets Potluck

_A/N: It's getting down to the wire now! I've got two more days to finish the project and quite a lot of work left to do on it. Thank you everyone for the interest you've shown in it so far, it's been an excellent source of motivation. If you can spare any more kind words for me now, I would greatly appreciate it! And now, here's a nice, long new chapter!_

* * *

><p>Iblis found Mara sitting at the kiddie table with Joshua. It was one of those plastic Playschool tables, coated with a thick layer of crayon scribbles and juice stains. A crowd of little Arab children were clustered around it, coloring and singing as they munched on fish sticks and rolls.<p>

As Iblis watched, a little girl brought an empty paper plate to Joshua. He picked up a fish stick from one of the other children's plates, said a blessing over it, and dropped seven new fish sticks on the little girl's plate before returning the original fish stick to the other child.

"Thank you Prophet!" The little girl said, then ran off to take her seat at the table.

Joshua frowned. "Messiah. _Messiah_, it's not a hard word."

"Come on dude, theological difference of opinion. Oh hey Iblis, how goes it?" Mara said, waving at his roommate.

Iblis crouched down across from them, but he was much larger than Joshua or Mara and had a difficult time trying to sit at the kiddie table.

"You never told me your charismatic teacher wasn't celibate." Mara waved an arm to indicate all the children at the table. "Joshua said that these brats were just from Muhammad and Ali."

Iblis shrugged. "Muhammad's the Prophet, and prophets are allowed to have a family life. I thought you knew that."

"Dude, in Siddhartha's tradition even monks aren't allowed to have sex. In some communities, they're not allowed to interact with women at all."

"Wow. Well that sucks," Iblis said.

"I know!" Joshua chimed in. "Women are just as capable of knowing the Kingdom. Why should they be excluded from the community of the faithful?"

"Er…anywho," Mara cut in, since that hadn't been either his or Iblis' angle, "Why don't you use the flesh to tempt Muhammad? If he's down with procreation then he's capable of succumbing to that ever favorite sin: lust."

Iblis shook his head. "Show's how much you know about Muhammad. Besides, one of the man's major platforms in reforming monotheistic religion was on how to treat the ladies. He's all about taking care of Society's defenseless. Mostly widows and orphans, but women in general were right up there. If I threw a Delilah-type at him, he'd have compassion for the victimizing circumstances that drove her to sell her services to the Philistines and have the Believers gather alms to support her."

Joshua grinned. "That does sound like him. You know, I tried to preach egalitarian reform too, but no matter how hard I tried it just wouldn't take. From what I understand, almost right after my Ministry ended women went from being important leaders in the community to subjugated second class citizens. I don't know how everyone got that from _my_ teachings, but…meh. Although I guess that's happening with Muhammad's teachings too, so there you go. People just take what they want to hear, no matter what you actually say."

Iblis rolled his eyes. "_Anyway_, I need to talk to Mara for a second."

Mara scowled. "I'm a little busy right now Iblis."

"It'll just take a sec," Iblis whined, looking pointedly at Joshua. He did _not_ want to try placing a bet while sitting in front of Joshua the Christ. Lucifer was right; if they didn't watch it, they'd both get themselves exorcized and from what Iblis had heard Joshua, had a sense of humor about his exorcisms. Iblis had eaten _far_ too much bacon to be at all comfortable being sent into a herd of swine. He did not want that kind of intimacy with pigs.

"Mara, _please_…? Please-please-please-_PLEASE?_" He ratcheted up his whine to its full capacity for annoyance, and with a disgruntled pout Mara the Evil One stood up and allowed himself to be led away by Iblis.

"You know, I was sitting with at least a dozen children, if not more, and you're whinier than all of them combined."

"Yeah, I try. So I was thinking, before we figure out if that's Mary or Avalowhatsit, wanna lay down some money?" Iblis asked.

Mara frowned thoughtfully. He'd won big on poker night, and had gotten a bit bored with mere financial gain. "Just money? Nothing more exciting?"

"Well what did you have in mind?" Iblis returned, intrigued.

"If I'm right then I want you to come on a meditation retreat with me," Mara said. "You guys are right. The Buddhists exorcise me when they can see me for what I am, and it's getting harder and harder to disguise myself. But you don't have to run away when someone notices you're a fallen angel."

"Jinn," Iblis corrected.

"I thought you said you were a fallen angel the last time we had this conversation," Mara said, confused.

"No I didn't."

Mara blinked a few times, opened his mouth and shut it, then raised an accusing finger at Iblis. "Yes you did! I remember it distinctly! Lucifer was yelling at you to take out the garbage, and you were trying to get him to make me do it, and you cited fallen angel solidarity!"

"No I didn't."

"You're a damn liar!"

"Yes I am. Alright, so I'll accompany you on a meditation retreat and heckle your faithful if I lose. What do I get if I'm right?" Iblis asked eagerly.

Mara shrugged. "Come up with something."

Iblis scowled at the retort, but thoughtfully considered his prize. "Alright. I want you to clean the living room for me. Lucifer keeps saying it's my job since I made the mess, but I don't feel like it. Clean it up and get that jerk off my back."

Mara winced, and then glanced at his elegant looking hands, more specifically his carefully tended long finger nails. "But I'll get all yucky."

"And do you really think I wanna leave the house to mess with _your_ faithful? That does nothing for my high score."

"Fine, fine." Mara extended his hand, and he and Iblis shook on it.

"Cool! I'm gonna go find the chick in the blue cloak and confirm that it's Mary," Iblis said, bounding away across the yard like an excited puppy.

"It's Avalokitsevara," Mara snapped. "And I'm going to get back to what I was doing."

Iblis stopped mid-bounce, intrigued, and walked back over to Mara. "Just what are you up to anyway?"

"Seeing if I can plant seeds of dissension amongst our holier than thou neighbors. Toodles."

* * *

><p>"So it sounds like you and your roommates get along really well," Mara observed. He'd rejoined Joshua at the kiddie table and they were drinking "water" (Joshua had worked his magic on it when the kids weren't paying attention) out of paper cups and munching on fish sticks as they chatted.<p>

"We do. Muhammad and Siddhartha are the best roommates I could have hoped for," Joshua said with a slightly tipsy smile. "Back when I was preaching with the twelve, well, they were fun and everything, but they didn't really get me. Not like Muhammad and Siddhartha. We've got a lot in common, you know?"

"Mm hm. I have noticed that. I've got a lot in common with my roommates too, but we're not as close as you guys for some reason," Mara said. He took a demure little sip of his "water" before continuing. "I think we've just got too much in common. It can work the other way too, and lead to competition."

Joshua contemplated that. "Yeah, we don't really have that. But then, I get along really well with people in general. You know, unless they're hypocrites."

"Or Romans?" Mara reminded him, and watched as Joshua let out a full body shudder. Mara stifled a giggle, watching as Joshua surreptitiously rubbed at the scars on his wrists.

"Yeah, I guess a bunch of nice guys like you wouldn't really get it, but me and the guys, well…we're just kinda competitive," Mara continued. "Did you know Iblis keeps score on how well he does at work? He's always throwing it in our faces, that he's so productive. Kinda like how Muhammad was saying that Islam's growing at a strong enough rate that it might eclipse Christianity as the world's most populous religion."

"Huh? He said that?" Joshua asked, looking troubled. "But that's not true. Christianity's still in the lead. Not that it matters, mind you, but-"

"You guys are in the lead _now_," Mara emphasized. "But if you really think about it, Christianity's split into so many different sections that it's kind of hard to consider it one religion anymore. Islam's only got the two divisions, and most of them are Sunni so really, Muhammad's got more followers in one unified religion than you do. In a way, he's winning."

Which was pure bullshit. But Mara was counting on Joshua being as well informed about the particularities of Muslim denominations as any other Westerner, and from what he saw he was right.

Once, while chatting with his roommates about work, Lucifer had taught Iblis and Mara the joy of manipulating statistics, and oh how the Evil One loved it. You could make those things say anything you wanted them to, and most people were too trusting to consider things like 'context' and 'reliability of sources'. The blind trust in scientific authority that had come with the modern era was proving very good for business.

"Well, well it doesn't matter. That's not important," Joshua affirmed, though he was clearly troubled by the possibility of Christianity losing its status as top dog of the religions.

"And now that Siddhartha's started his teaching, you'll have even more competition." Mara said, feigning sympathy. "Did you know Buddhism is a rapidly growing religion in all of your old strongholds? Seriously, there are tons of American Buddhists now. They're starting their own tradition, and from what I hear a lot of them are defected Christians."

"R-really?"

"Mm hm. I guess people just think Siddhartha's a better preacher than you," Mara said, taking care to keep his tone casual. "I mean you've got, what, four gospels? The Sermon on the Mount and the Sermon on the Plain?" If you ignored all the non-canonical stuff, anyway, which was in Mara's best interest for this argument. "Do you _know_ how much Buddhist scripture there is? Siddhartha talks a lot, and his followers remember every word he says."

Joshua looked almost sickened. "But people still find comfort in my words. That's why four gospels are sufficient."

"Yeah, well…just saying, it's been awhile since you put anything new out. Oh look, they're serving Arabic coffee. I'm gonna go get one. Toodles!" Satisfied that he'd rattled the Messiah, Mara left the table and went in search of a new victim.

* * *

><p>Mara's failure in regards to the Bodhi Tree had made him cautious about directly approaching Siddhartha. He opted for another tactic that he'd also stolen from Lucifer. Lucifer hadn't had any luck in directly tempting Joshua, so he'd done the next best thing and infiltrated the man's circle of trusted disciples.<p>

Mara found Ananda chatting with Mary Magdalene, Aaliyah, and the figure in the blue cloak. He let out a groan of disappointment; though obedient to his vow of celibacy, Ananda enjoyed the company of women and was particularly good at instructing nuns. If he'd sought out the figure in blue for a chat, it probably _was_ the virgin Mary, not Avalokitsevara, meaning Mara had lost the bet.

Of course, he could only lose the bet if he confirmed that it was Mary…

Mara lured Ananda away from his posse of spiritually devout ladies by taking on the guise of a distressed nun. Once he'd lead the poor shmuck over to the demons' yard, he spun the kid a similar web of bullshit to the one he'd just spun for Joshua: that Joshua had been trash talking the Buddha's oratory ability, and that Buddhism would _never_ be as prominent as Christianity in the West.

Ananda narrowed his eyes. "You can stop pretending to be a nun now. It's an insult to my intelligence."

Mara hissed in displeasure. "How'd you know it was me?"

"You were a little obvious."

"Please don't exorcise me kid. I haven't even had any pheasant yet!"

Ananda scowled. "That's your own fault Evil One. If you hadn't been moving around the party attempting to lead the Tathagata's guests astray, you'd have had plenty of time to indulge in transitory delicacies."

"You monks suck all the life out of everything."

Ananda smirked. "If by that you mean we strip away layers of delusion leading to the extinguishing of desires, then isn't that the point?"

"Mahamoggallana's more fun than you you know. At least he has a sense of humor," Mara pouted. "What I said's still true though. Joshua's gotten all uppity and he's not going to just let Buddhism make headway in his territory."

Ananda considered. "Perhaps the Tathagata should make more of an effort to reach out to these people. I won't exorcise you this time Evil One, but be careful who you pick on."

"Be careful who you pick on," Mara mimicked under his breath, watching while the serene monk strode away in search of his teacher. "I friggin' hate Buddhists."

* * *

><p>Lucifer spent the first hour or so of the potluck taking advantage of his roommates' absence to spray down the house with bleach and Febreeze. While the fumes were dissipating, he spent some time in his room listening to music and reading without interruption.<p>

After a little while, the peaceful calm started to freak him out. He wasn't used to getting more than a few pages into a novel without Mara whining about something or other, or Iblis cranking the TV and yelling obscenities at it.

"No," Lucifer hissed. "I do _not_ miss my roommates." He hated his roommates. He only put up with them because they were the only entities in existence that would put up with him.

Lucifer went down to the kitchen and peered out the window at the backyard. He was just in time to see Iblis lifting up the skirt of the person in blue, who whipped around and smacked him across the face. Ali advanced towards Iblis with the kind of expression that you _did not_ want to see on the face of one of the warriors of the Ummah, and Iblis turned tail and ran.

Chuckling, Lucifer decided to head out to the party. Unlike Iblis and Mara, he could probably get away with a little socialization without getting exorcised…as long as he was careful to avoid Job.

"A little evangelizing wouldn't hurt," Ananda muttered out of the corner of his mouth.

Siddhartha continued gazing serenely across the yard. "People come to the Dharma when they are ready. The Dharma will always be present, perfect and immutable, ready for those who seek it."

"Well, they'd know to seek it if you told them about it," Ananda pointed out.

"I have preached the Dharma and will continue to preach it, but not at the invitation of the Evil One."

Ananda sighed. "Joshua the Christ has been delivering a sermon for the past twenty minutes. I don't see how conveying wisdom can ever be harmful, even if it was suggested by Mara himself. And I was right about forming the community of nuns."

"You're never going to let that go, are you?"

"Well I was right."

Siddhartha sighed. "Very well. I will preach for our guests, but this isn't to compete with Joshua. I respect the path he proclaims as he respects mine."

Ananda nodded, and watched as his teacher strode towards the Bodhi Tree, embodying perfect equanimity as Joshua the Christ embodied perfect grace. He waited for the Buddha to get situated, then started walking through the crowd in the yard. "The Tathagata is going to speak! Everyone, come hear a sermon from the Tathagata!"

Simon Peter, who had been listening attentively to Joshua's Sermon on the Driveway, quirked an eyebrow when he saw Ananda leading people towards the Buddha. He followed just behind the monk. "Once in a lifetime opportunity! Joshua the Christ, risen from the dead, preaching on the driveway! Do not miss the Sermon on the Driveway!"

Ananda turned around to face St. Peter, and though his expression was as serene as ever, his stance was rigid. "Do you mind?"

"Do you?" Peter returned.

Ananda narrowed his eyes. "How infantile. Come all! Come hear the Tathagata's wisdom!"

"You call that wisdom?" Peter yelled. "Joshua's wisdom blows the doors off of that Tathaguy! How many names d'ya need for one teacher anyway? Tatha-whatsit, Shakyahoodoo, Buddha. Puh-lease."

Ananda rolled his eyes. "Not that one can qualify true wisdom, but I somehow doubt the efficacy of Joshua's methods if this is how his followers behave."

"If you wanna insult me baldy, just say it."

"Baldy?"

From his perch by the grills, Mara watched the two disciples and let out a satisfied cackle.

* * *

><p>"You know, when you invited me to your home for a gathering, considering your new roommates, I expected it to be, I don't know…" Ali trailed off, looking for the right word.<p>

"Civilized?" Muhammad supplied.

Ali made an iffy motion with his hand. "Not bad. Peaceful, enlightened. There are a whole lot of expectations one could bring to a gathering hosted by inarguably holy men. This on the other hand." Ali waved an arm to indicate Simon Peter and Ananda.

Peter had Ananda in a headlock and was noogeying his shaved head.

"They call that fighting?" Ali sniffed.

"Would you prefer Crusaders?" Muhammad asked.

Ali shook his head. "I suppose not."

They sipped at their coffees and watched the scuffle along with nearly everyone else at the party. Consequently, when Joshua realized he was only preaching to squirrels and the occasional deer that paused on its way to see the Buddha, he abruptly ended the Sermon on the Driveway to go mingle. Buddha, unconcerned by the lack of attention, kept preaching for the benefit of the animals and unseen celestial beings.

Lucifer bumped into Joshua at the fruit platter. "Your disciple's embarrassing himself."

"Peter has a way of doing that," Joshua said simply.

"I do remember his tendency to state the obvious. 'Hey, he's walking on water!' 'Oh no, I'm sinking!'"

"I had hoped he and Ananda might get along. Siddhartha always speaks so highly of his attendant," Joshua said, heaving a disappointed sigh.

"Well, noogeying might not be the best way to win the guy's affection," Lucifer pointed out. "Want me to break them up?"

"If you don't mind."

Lucifer handed his coffee to Joshua, rolled up his sleeves, and approached the squabbling disciples. He tapped Peter on the shoulder. "Get behind me satan!" He taunted.

The effect was instantaneous. Peter dropped Ananda onto the grass and launched himself at the Satan. Lucifer avoided him with ease, grabbed him by the tunic collar, and hauled him over to Joshua.

Joshua didn't say anything; his sad, disappointed gaze was admonishment enough.

"Er…oops," Simon Peter mumbled.

"Oops indeed," Joshua said, with all the gravity he'd used on much more serious occasions. Then his face broke into a beatific grin and he offered Peter a coffee.

Lucifer grabbed an apple from the fruit platter, took his cup back from Joshua, and walked off in search of his roommates. It was getting late. He figured it was best to at least try to get them off the neighbors' property.

He found Iblis and Mara in the front yard, arguing over something or other. From the sounds of it, they couldn't come to an agreement over the identity of the blue clad figure.

"I'm telling you, it was the Virgin Mary!" Iblis insisted, blatantly lying from the looks of it. There was no way his speech would be quite that heated if he believed what he was saying.

"Well I know for a fact that it's Avalokitsevara!" Mara said, with equal faith in the validity of what he said. He had a nervous tick when he lied; he put his hand on his hip and adopted a diva 'oh no you di'in't attitude.

Lucifer approached the two of them. "What are you two idiots…"

Just then, two people in light blue robes passed by, arm in arm. They looked nearly identical. The devils stared at them in varying degrees of befuddlement.

"Oh, hey Mom! I've been looking for you all day!" Joshua said, running over to greet the one on the right.

"Hi sweetheart," Mary said. She kissed his cheek.

Then the Buddha approached the remaining figure. "Avalokitsevara, would you mind helping me tend to Ananda? He could use some compassion after a trying episode with one of Joshua's disciples."

"Certainly Shakyamuni," Avalokitsevara answered in a startlingly deep tone of voice. He also wandered off, leaving the stunned tempters to stare after him.

"So…who won?" Mara asked.

"I think we should call it a draw."


	6. Merry ChrisBuddhamas

**Chapter Six**

Mara was standing in front of the kitchen sink, not doing the dishes, but staring avidly out the window into the neighbors' yard. One elegant hand idly fiddled with a jeweled tassel dangling from the heavily ornamented headdress he wore.

Lucifer scoffed loudly, but Mara pretended not to hear. "You know, if you're _going_ to stand there anyway, you might as well just _do_ the dishes."

"Mm hm."

"And another thing, your room is starting to stink, to the point where the stench is wafting out into the hall. I know you think that if you douse everything with enough fragrances that it'll even out, but you know what? Frankincense and sandalwood only cover rank laundry for _so_ long!"

Mara leaned closer to the window, as though that would quiet Lucifer's words. Finally, he put his hands over his ears and let out a whine of frustration. "You know what Lucifer? One word: _brimstone_."

"Oh shut up. I can't help the brimstone. _You_ can help the sweaty socks."

Mara held up his foot. "I wear sandals so if you're smelling foot funk it isn't me."

"Did you get a pedicure?" Lucifer asked, gaping at the neat little foot presented for his inspection. Mara hastily planted his foot back on the linoleum and pulled his robe over his feet.

"Oh what? Mara the tempter, incarnation of fetters and sensual delights, can't indulge in the occasional mani-pedi?"

Lucifer rolled his eyes. "Just do the damn dishes and do your laundry. What are you doing anyway?"

"Trying to understand your Tathagata."

"My what now?"

Mara huffed, and tapped against the glass of the window. "Joshua the Christ. He's singing to himself and throwing lights over trees. Why? What custom is this?"

"Hm? Oh, he's just decorating the house for Christmas. It's coming up, actually. Hm. Would it be weird if I got a Christmas tree?" Lucifer wondered aloud.

"What's a Christmas tree?" Mara asked, looking curious. He twirled a lock of his thick black hair through his fingers.

"A tree Christians and nominal Christians decorate in celebration of Joshua's birth."

"Oh. Yeah, that's a little weird. You know, since you're trying to tempt Joshua to his downfall."

"Well…the trees were originally pagan." It sounded like a pathetic excuse, even to Lucifer. Mara seemed to agree.

"I won't object if you get the tree. Just saying, it is kinda weird. Well, I'd best be off. I'm going to go down to the Zen Center and try tempting some practitioners from the path."

"Did you ever notice how when you try that, it usually backfires and they attain spontaneous enlightenment?" Lucifer teased.

"Hey Lucifer, did you ever notice how bite me?" Mara snapped back.

Laughing, Lucifer walked out into the yard, leaned over the fence, and waved at Joshua. Beaming, Joshua waved back. He was wearing a Santa Claus hat, and had a cheery red sweater on over his usual earth tones. "Hello Lucifer! No work today?"

"For once. So you guys are decorating for Christmas? Your housemates don't find that tacky?"

Joshua shook his head. "Why would they?"

"Well doesn't it seem a bit arrogant?"

"Arrogant? No…I'm just sharing my birthday."

Lucifer shrugged, and watched Joshua string another set of lights over the laundry line. He was humming 'God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen' alternating with the 'Happy Birthday' song. Shrugging, he left the messiah to it and went inside to do the dishes.

* * *

><p>"What the hell is that?"<p>

"A Christmas tree," Mara answered vaguely. He was observing his handiwork, trying to figure out if he liked it or not.

"Well it's certainly a tree…" Iblis trailed off, inspecting the potted mango tree Mara had plopped in the center of the living room. The diminutive devil had covered it with scraps of fabric, bangles, and ornaments made of foil paper. "But I don't think it's a Christmas tree."

"I googled it, thank you very much, and the website told me that to make a Christmas tree you bring a tree indoors and decorate it." He waved an arm to indicate his tree. "And I did."

"Uh huh. Well I'm no expert at Christmas either, but I'm pretty sure you're supposed to use a pine tree of some kind. Is that a prayer flag?" Iblis asked, poking at one of the scraps of fabric (upon closer inspection they were all strung together).

"I yanked it off of the neighbor's Bodhi tree. Actually, that's why I don't think I like this thing. It reminds me a bit too much of Siddhartha and his tree. What is it with the holy guys and trees?"

Iblis shrugged. "So does that mean you're getting rid of it?"

"I don't know…I do like mangos. Why can't they be Christmas trees?"

"I just don't think it's the tradition. I dunno, I didn't make the rules. Why don't you ask Joshua the Christ?" Iblis suggested.

"Alright, I will." Mara turned on his heel and marched from the room.

Iblis continued for his original destination, the bean bag chair in front of the television, but found to his annoyance that the branches and leaves of the mango tree got in his way no matter where he moved his bean bag, or how awkwardly he craned his neck around it. When Mara returned a few minutes later with Joshua, he was contorted to an odd angle but successfully playing his X-box game.

"Why hello Iblis. Are you taking up yoga?"

"Hm? Hell no. Just tell the idiot that this isn't a Christmas tree so he can chuck it," Iblis answered. "I don't like it. It's in the way."

Mara took up a defensive stance in front of his Christmas tree and looked pointedly at Joshua. "So? Is it a Christmas tree?"

"I think they're supposed to be pine trees," Joshua said slowly.

"What do you mean you think? Isn't this your custom?"

"I didn't invent it. People started decorating trees in my honor well after the end of my ministry. But I like it. It's a very pleasing tree Mara." Joshua smiled brightly. "I don't see any reason why it can't be a Christmas tree."

"Oh don't tell him that, now he's going to keep it!" Iblis whined.

"Iblis, you can always use the television at our house," Joshua offered.

"So what do you do with them?" Mara asked eagerly.

"Pardon?" Joshua asked.

"What is their exact purpose? You don't meditate with them, do you?" He looked a little frightened by the prospect.

"No…you put gifts under them, and then on my birthday you distribute them to friends and family," Joshua explained.

Mara nodded, then brightened as something occurred to him. "But wait, doesn't that encourage grasping and desire?"

"I suppose it can be a bit hollow, what with the consumerism that the day encourages," Joshua admitted. "But really, it's a joyous occasion that brings people together."

"Over _stuff_," Mara emphasized.

"Well ye-"

"Hollow, materialistic, craving filled stuff?" He asked, clapping in his excitement.

Sighing, Joshua nodded. "Though I wouldn't express it exactly like that-"

"I can't believe this is okay for you people! Seriously, this one's like right up my alley!" Mara crowed.

Joshua looked distinctly discomfited. "Er…what exactly do people do to celebrate Siddhartha's birthday?"

Mara shrugged. "Stuff. Dunno, never really paid attention."

"Oh. Really?"

"Ya huh. I mean I know his followers do stuff, but like…they do it all at different times, and I don't think it's a very big deal." He started circling his Christmas tree, rearranging ornaments and reverently stroking the colorful little mangos.

Joshua frowned. "Wait, they don't even know when it is? That's so sad. So Siddhartha doesn't have a big birthday celebration?" He walked around the mango Christmas tree to address Iblis. "Does Muhammad?"

"Does Muhammad what?" Iblis grunted, violently mashing buttons on his controller and clearly hoping Joshua would take the hint and leave him to his video game.

"Does Muhammad celebrate his birthday with his community?"

"Hm? Oh, yeah. It's in the third month of the Muslim calendar, Rabi'-ul-Awwal. I think that makes it in February this year. They call it Maulid-an-Nabiyyi."

"And how do they celebrate it?" Joshua asked.

Iblis shrugged. "Festivals, charity work, story-telling. The usual."

"Well that sounds nice," Joshua said. "That's pretty much what people do for my birthday. Muhammad must really like the charity part."

"Yeah, that's totally up his alley," Iblis agreed. "How come your guy doesn't do anything?" He called over his shoulder to Mara.

Mara shrugged. "I'm kind of wondering why your guys do. Seems like making a big fuss over nothing would distract from spiritual pursuits."

"It's not nothing, it's my birthday," Joshua mumbled.

"Well, whatever. It sounds fun to _me_ so _I'm_ going to celebrate it. And maybe the Maulid-an-Nabiyyi if I can skip the charity part," Mara said decisively. He went back to hanging tacky foil ornaments from the mango Christmas tree, humming cheerfully to himself as he worked.

Joshua looked between the two tempters, figuring he'd been dismissed since they were both ignoring him. He couldn't help one last observation.

"Um…Mara, did you ask Siddhartha if you could take that prayer flag?"

* * *

><p>"Greetings Muhammad!" Joshua said cheerfully.<p>

Muhammad was sitting in the living room reading the morning paper, and as usual, holding it so that it obscured his face. "Hello Joshua."

"I was just visiting the neighbors-"

"And you're going to ignore everything they told you, right?" He said it in that same tired tone, the one he'd used every time he'd asked Joshua that question from the first morning they'd moved in next to the devils.

Joshua sniffed. "I see no reason to cut ourselves off from sinners entirely. Those who are well have no need for a physician, but those who are sick, after all."

"Yes, well they are responsible for their own choices, and Allah will sort them all at the judgment regardless-"

"I know what's going to happen at the judgment Muhammad. I'm going to be there."

"Anyway, we're not talking about normal sinners in this case. Those are devils! I think it's a mistake to openly consort with them," Muhammad said, trying to bring the conversation back to his original point.

"You're not the first person to make slights about the company I keep and you won't be the last. But listen, I was just talking to Mara and Iblis and guess what? Siddhartha's followers don't celebrate his birthday."

"Really? Hm. I'd never noticed."

"Well, I mean I guess they do, but they don't agree on a date, and they don't make a big deal of it. They don't even have a special name for his birthday, like Christmas or Maulid-an-Nabiyyi. Am I pronouncing that right?"

"Mm hm. Your birthday is Milad in Arabic."

"They have a separate word for me? That's awfully considerate. Do the Arabs have a birthday word for Siddhartha?" Joshua asked.

"I don't see why they would, but it wouldn't be terribly difficult to invent one. Arabic's flexible like that."

"How so?" Joshua pressed, intrigued.

"Well, every word comes from a three consonant root. The root has its own meaning, and by placing prefixes, suffixes and vowels around the root one can create new words. Milad and Maulid come from waled, birth. So if you want to give Siddhartha an Arabic birthday word, you just need to figure out a combination around waw, lam and dal that hasn't already been used for something else."

"Oh. Well that shouldn't be too difficult. So we've already got Milad and Maulid…what about Meeleed?"

Muhammad snorted derisively from behind his newspaper. "That's something else entirely. You didn't use a waw. That's the first part of the root, not the mim."

"Mim?"

"The m letter." Sighing, Muhammad got up and went to get a notebook. When he returned, he drew out the Arabic letters. "That's the combination you need to use," He explained, underlining the waw, lam and dal.

"Oh. Wait, what's an-Nabiyyi mean?" Joshua asked.

"An is the definitive article and Nabiyyi is Prophet. It means Birth of the Prophet."

"Oh. Well maybe we could call Siddhartha's Birth of the Teacher?" Joshua suggested. He seemed less than enthused with it. "But we're all teachers really…I suppose that doesn't distinguish him."

"Maulid-al-Tathagata?" Muhammad suggested. "No, too unwieldy. That would never catch on with Arabic speakers."

* * *

><p>When Siddhartha got in from his alms rounds, his roommates were still sitting in the living room slowly dictating Arabic gibberish to each other and shaking their heads in displeasure. He'd heard from Joshua about speaking in tongues, assumed that was what they were doing, and continued towards the kitchen to deposit the rice he'd gathered in a Tupperware container.<p>

He was brewing tea when Joshua excitedly burst into the kitchen.

"Siddhartha! I thought I heard you come in. Guess what Muhammad and I did?"

Muhammad was standing just out of Siddhartha's line of sight holding the papers he and Joshua had been doodling Arabic words on.

"What did you do?" Siddhartha asked, listening attentively.

"We created an Arabic term for your birthday!" Joshua said. "See, my followers celebrate my birthday, and most of Muhammad's celebrate his-"

Here Muhammad rolled his eyes and muttered under his breath about the divisive followers who criticized the celebrations.

"And he told me that in Arabic they have special names for our birthdays," Joshua continued, ignoring the outburst of negativity. "So we came up with one for you too."

"But I don't…" Siddhartha trailed off, not wanting to quash Joshua's enthusiasm. "Very well. What did you come up with?"

"Milad al Jabanebee," Joshua said proudly. "It means sideways nativity. Cool, huh?"

Siddhartha frowned. "Sideways nativity?"

"Because you were born out of your mother's side," Muhammad chimed in. "Don't blame me, Joshua came up with it. I thought Milad-al-Kabada worked better."

Joshua shook his head. "Milad-al-Kabada is creepy. It means liver nativity."

Siddhartha quirked an eyebrow. "I really don't understand that one."

Muhammad heaved a loud sigh. "The liver is the seat of the emotions. It's obvious, isn't it? Allah generated the first woman from Adam's liver. It's a beautiful word that symbolizes deep, intimate affection, and it's already related to the affection a mother has for their child."

"Really?" Siddhartha and Joshua said together.

"It is in Arabic culture," Muhammad said with a shrug. "Maybe that's just us."

"To us a liver is something that produces bile," Joshua said simply. "Anywho, that's why we picked the sideways one. So, whaddya think?"

Siddhartha took a sip of tea before answering. "I appreciate your efforts, but this really isn't necessary."

"But maybe if people have a name for your birthday, they'll start celebrating it!" Joshua pointed out.

"But I do not wish them to celebrate my birthday," Siddhartha said, frowning. He set his cup down and steepled his long fingers. "I do not wish my followers to focus their attention on me specifically. I am merely a finger, pointing the way. If one focuses on the finger, they run the risk of losing sight of the way, the path of the Dharma."

Joshua sat down across from Siddhartha. "Maybe this is just my Jewishness showing, but I think that while pursuing a spiritual path, having figures to emulate and a certain amount of ritual and action to participate in helps people keep their focus. That's why I encouraged my followers to see me as the way to my father. It makes everything more tangible for them and keeps them…what's that word you use? Mindful. It keeps everyone mindful."

"This is true, which is why I do not disagree with your teachings," Siddhartha admitted, nodding respectfully to his roommate. "However, it is not my path. I believe that ritual for ritual's sake can turn hollow, and therefore I encouraged my most devout followers to avoid it."

"But not everyone," Muhammad spoke up. "Some Buddhists engage in an awful lot of ritual, don't they?"

"They do. And the ones striving for enlightenment in this incarnation know that the meanings are not in the rituals, nor even really in the teachings themselves. All is to eventually be cast off for the sake of awakening," Siddhartha explained.

Muhammad nodded thoughtfully. "Well, I'm done. If he doesn't want a party then he doesn't need a party. I didn't think Milad-a- Jabanebee would catch on anyway. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the yard protecting our decorations from the neighbors."

"If they want our decorations that much, they can just have them-" Joshua was cut off by the back door being slammed shut. "Or not. Anywho, I really think you ought to consider the whole birthday thing Siddhartha. I love sharing my birthday with all my followers. I think it's a really beautiful tradition."

Siddhartha nodded. "Your joy brings me joy Joshua. But your path is not mine."

"Right. You're right. Sorry I bothered you." Joshua stood up and left the room, a shadow of his usual cheerful smile on his face.

Sighing, Siddhartha realized that he actually didn't know a whole lot about how Christmas was celebrated. He took another sip of tea, then went to the living room to borrow the computer for a quick Google search.

* * *

><p>For the brunt of the holiday season, Siddhartha meditated under the Bodhi Tree again. Mara watched him obsessively from the kitchen window, wondering what he was up to this time and getting increasingly paranoid about it.<p>

'I'm spending _way_ too much time with the boss' kid,' Lucifer thought to himself one morning as he watched Mara, who was hugging his arms and rocking back and forth, mumbling to himself as he watched the Buddha. Lucifer felt bad for his roommate. He felt compassion. Compassion! That sort of emotion was a complete hindrance to his work.

Still, Mara wasn't a soul under divine test. Everyone knew he was a hopeless sinner. A little compassion wasn't completely misplaced.

"Hey, Mara," Lucifer said, approaching the twitchy devil with careful, deliberate movements. "Your Christmas tree could use some water."

"He's up to something…I can feel it! Earth shakes, the earth will shake and then everyone will go out but me, stuck in samsara, all alone, everyone gone out, everyone! Can't do it. Can't extinguish craving and desire alone, but he will-he-"

Lucifer shook Mara's shoulder and snapped in front of his eyes. "C'mon, wake up Mara! If you don't guard your tree, Iblis is going to start eating the mangoes."

"M-magoes?" Mara repeated slowly.

Lucifer sighed. "You wanted to throw a Christmas party, remember? Christmas? Materialistic grasping? The opposite of what Shakyamuni's up to out there?"

"Oh. Oh yeah…" Mara said slowly. "Christmas. Christmas is…good?"

Lucifer steered him towards the living room, where he'd added some more traditional decorations to the mango tree. It now sported lights and tinsel. "Look at the pretty tree Mara!"

"I like the lights."

Lucifer helped him to a seat on the armchair and rubbed his shoulders. "Feel better?"

"No. I…this has been coming for awhile now. I just can't take it anymore!" Mara yelled, startling his roommates (Iblis was, of course, ever present in the living room playing video games). "Always seeing what he's up to…it's not like with you guys! Shakyamuni always wins and I can't take it. I'm gonna move out."

"Move out?" Iblis paused the game. "You can't do that. We signed a lease."

Mara scoffed at him. "You really think that argument's going to work on _me_?"

"Well no, but…" Iblis scowled. "Don't make me say it dude."

"Say what?" Lucifer asked, intrigued. They both turned to Iblis expectantly.

"Fine. I like you. Both of you guys. So you can't move." He glared at his roommates, incensed that they'd gotten him to say something so touchy-feely aloud.

Mara let out a squeal of delight, dove forward, and flung his arms around Iblis' neck. Iblis immediately started thrashing, trying to shake him off. "Oh Iblis, I like you too! I've never had companions who understand me the way you guys do!"

Face redder than usual (and considering he was made from fire, that was saying something), Iblis quit struggling and accepted the hug. He reached out an arm to Lucifer. "Group hug?"

"Fine." Lucifer quickly, awkwardly, hugged his roommates, and then walked to the other side of the room as though they'd contaminated him with something. Mara bounced back onto his own couch cushion, still radiating happiness. In fact, his smile looked a bit like Joshua's…

"We do need to move though," Lucifer snapped. "We'll just move together. I think we're taking on a bit too much influence from our neighbors."

Iblis shuddered. "I dropped a dollar into the salvation army bell ringer's pot when I made my burrito run today. That has Muhammad all over it. You're right. They're infiltrating us with their '_nice_'."

Nodding, Lucifer went in search of his laptop. "I'll start looking on Craigslist."

* * *

><p>The demons kept to their decision to move out, but before they went they threw another massive party. This time, the drunken jinns and demons they invited didn't TP the serene Buddha as he meditated; they ripped up the Christmas lights Joshua had hung on the clothesline, draped them over Siddhartha, and put a light up reindeer antler headband on his head. He meditated through it.<p>

When Joshua went out Christmas morning to say hello to his roommate, he did a double take when he saw him. "Jinn?" He asked.

"And demons," Siddhartha said, slowly opening his eyes. "Good morning Joshua."

"Hey. Um…so I know you don't really do the birthday celebration thing, but well, it is my custom, so I got you something anyway. Merry Christmas." He handed Siddhartha a small box wrapped with plain white paper and a gold bow.

Siddhartha took the present and bowed to his roommate. "I appreciate the thought behind this gesture Joshua."

"You know, with all your world renouncing, you're a hard person to shop for," Joshua teased.

Siddhartha opened the present and extracted a set of orange fleece robes. He smiled. "This is an excellent present."

"I think you should wear the antler headband with them," Joshua joked. "They should be warmer than your cotton ones anyway. Well, I guess I'll leave you to it. Peace be with you Siddhartha."

"Joshua, wait," Siddhartha called out. Joshua stopped, and sat down across from Siddhartha, regarding him with polite interest. "I have been meditating upon our discussion, and it occurs to me that though we have some differences of opinion, the commonalities are more important. I do not wish to be the focal point of a celebration, because I believe that this would encourage the illusion of separation. You, however, encourage your followers to see you symbolically as a focal point for the love and camaraderie they should express towards each other, correct?"

Joshua nodded.

"I have come to the conclusion then, that since I feel there is no Self, and therefore no distinctions to be made between anyone, and all are deserving of compassionate thoughts, that it would be better for my celebration to be incorporated into yours rather than stand on its own."

"Since you feel like we're connected?" Joshua asked. Siddhartha nodded. "Hm…we could call it Chrisbuddhamas! I don't think it'll catch on though."

"Well, even if it doesn't, I find it acceptable."

Joshua grinned. "Me too. Are you gonna take off the Christmas lights and come inside?"

Siddhartha returned his smile. "I believe they're called Chrisbuddhamas lights."

The (Somwhat Abrupt) End

* * *

><p><em>AN: I just spent the brunt of the past forty eight hours working on this thing, much of it suffering from a vicious, poorly timed head cold, but it's finally done! Woo hoo! Just emailed the fully footnoted version with works cited page and introductory essay to my advisor. Thank you everyone for your encouraging reviews. They were quite helpful in busting this thing out._

_Two things. First, I'd considered reposting this with the scholarly references. The finished file turned out to be quite large, and I think all the footnotes will detract from the overall readiability of the story (unless you're my advisor and have to suffer through it). That being said, people have expressed an interest in reading the scholarly version of the story, so I'm considering posting it as a separate fic. Let me know what you think. _

_Lastly, I've had a lot of fun writing this, and even though the class is done, some extra chapters might be in the works. _

_Thanks again everyone. It was a great ride!_


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